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December 31, 2007
Butch v. Tommy - Holiday Bowls - Week Three
Wanton mass hysteria has gripped the nation as they have come to realize that the last venal bowl games are upon us and it is nearly three long months away until March Madness can take effect. Nog is everywhere! People are hoarding ticket stubs and raiding hardware stores for lacquer so they can preserve their memories before the brain cell loss sets in while people at home without tickets need the lacquer before they have to sit through another barrage of commercial breaks [almost five hours for the Holiday Bowl alone]. So far, Butch and Tommy are neck and neck in mediocrity entering the final week and they and the Pac-10 have represented themselves well in the post-season [hahahaha stagger thud!]. Well, at least as well as can be expected. Tommy is gearing up for that big International "Incident" Bowl match-up this week while Butch brings out the industrial-sized Bob Barker ornamental cacti oracle for predicting the biggest college week of the year. Let's see what the boys have up their considerable sleeves or what holiday leftovers remain trapped in their brain cavity for the final week of the 2007 college football bowl game season...
Tommy: This is it, the end of the year. It truly makes Tommy sad when football season ends. When else can Butch and I call other teams nasty names and bring up old history about coaches and their drinking habits, club hopping, etc? Now Tommy has to look inward at his life and make conscious decisions about his direction...or just drink. Let's choose the latter. Off we go on our final extravaganza of the year.
Butch: Butch is not as sad to see college football season end as long as the BCS Taliban is in charge, there is a real college playoff system to look forward to in March and Butch is interested in a certain 4th-ranked team in the nation that should be involved in the Madness of that month. But Butch is simpatico you on the drinking thing, Tommy.
Wisconsin v. Tennessee (-2)
Tommy: When last we saw the Volunteers against a big non-conference foe, they were volunteering to bend over. Shoot, they even lost to a Big Ten team in a bowl game last year. Why is it that they're favored again? Cheese, Glorious Cheese-24, Fat Phil On A Perpetual Hot Seat-20.
Butch: Butch loves cheese and Wisconsin is home to the second-best cheese around [behind Cougar Gold, of course] - so Butch has to pick Bucky to cover - it's his contractual obligation.
Arkansas v. Missouri (-3)
Tommy: Take the over in this game. They might combine to score 120 points. Tommy says that Mizzou's lack of athletes on defense will mean a nice goodbye gift for Darren McFadden. And besides, it's a proven fact that pigs eat tigers. Look it up. Goodbye Darren And Houston-44, Back To Mediocrity For Pinkel-40.
Butch: Now that is funny, Tommy. Pigs and tigers. People need to give you more credit for your sense of humor over your bowl prognosticating capabilities. Butch takes the Tigers to win and cover.
Capital One Bowl
Michigan v. Florida (-10.5)
Tommy: Puh-leeze. Michigan is a joke. Next question. A Superhero Is Our QB-38, You Can't Spell Lloyd Without Two Ls-20.
Butch: A Michigan Man is going to lose this game - well, a lot of them are. Butch takes Florida to win and cover.
Virginia v. Texas Tech (-6)
Tommy: Tommy likes Mike Leach. It's too bad for him that Dan Guerrero doesn't. He could make the Bruins less boring. The problem for Leach is that his defense makes games just as exciting as his offense does, so Tommy believes that six points is too many for a team that needed to come from 31 down to beat Minny-sota last year. Hotheaded Coach-38, Howie's Son Rules-35.
Butch: Wait you mean you like him in a platonic non-threatening guy kinda way? Because you gotta be careful, people get confused about that sorta thing these days, Tommy. You say one thing and the next thing you know, people are throwing furniture at you out of their apartment windows. Butch thinks six points is too much gravy too and takes Virginny to cover.
Illinois v. USC (-13.5)
Tommy: Come on. What do you think Tommy's gonna say here? The Trojans use a Big Ten team as a pinata again, leaving Tommy to taunt all his neighbors who suddenly became Illini fans at the beginning of December. Good Guys-35, Our Juice Won't Kill Ya-17.
Butch: Here is how this game is going to go, Tommy; the Illini are going to be all irritated because everybody's been dissing them for the past month about how weak they are. So they are going to come out long and strong and down to get the friction on then, after their premature gridiron ejaculation, they are going down, down, down Butch thinks you get the visual on this. That's when USC puts the patented Rose Bowl sleeper hold on 'em and it's all over. Butch picks the boys of Troy to win and cover.
Hawai'i v. Georgia (-7.5)
Tommy: Yeah, OK. This ain't Boise last year. These clowns needed every minute of time to beat mighty Washington at home, and needed last second heroics against Nevada and San Jose State. I feel sorry for the Bulldogs because they had a great season and deserved a worthy opponent. SEC, Rules-45, Say Goodbye To Another System QB-30.
Butch: The good thing about this bowl game is that you don't have to waste a lot of time biting your nails and waiting for it to end - it should be over approximately 45 minutes after it begins. Butch takes Georgia to win and cover.
West Virginia v. Oklahoma (-7.5)
Tommy: Pittsburgh. Need I say more. Maybe The Best team In the Nation-40, Give Us Our Money Back, Rich-22.
Butch: Oklahoma is like "Psycho" Francis ["Don't touch my stuff!"] in Stripes - all wound up and West Virginia is going to go all Sergeant Hulka on 'em. Butch takes West Virginia to win and cover.
Orange "Julius" Bowl
Kansas v. Virginia Tech (-3)
Tommy: Tommy advises you to break out the No-Doze for this game, because it won't be pretty. In the end, having Mark Mangino on the Kansas sideline will cause the field to tip that way, which will be a huge disadvantage to the Jayhawks. Which reminds me, Tommy forgot to add in the opening that he is also not above making fun of coaches' waistlines. See Chuck Weis. Consistency Personified-20, One Year Wonder-14.
Butch: Suddenly, Butch is hungry. Butch thinks it will be even closer than that and picks Kansas to cover.
International "Incident" Bowl
Ball State v. Rutgers (-10)
Tommy: This comes after the Orange, Rose, and Fiesta Bowls? Who's the marketing genius behind this one? Schiano and his Jersey Boys whack the Cards. Waiting For The Penn State Job To Open Up-35, Will Letterman Watch?-18.
Butch: Ball State head coach Brady Hoke was said to be former Wazzu head coach Bill Doba's suggestion to the search committee to replace him in the Palouse. Now will be a good time to see what the Cougars are missing. Butch takes Rutgers to win and cover.
GMAC "Daddy" Bowl
Bowling Green v. Tulsa (-4.5)
Tommy: This game should have a lot of offense, but three billion Chinese really don't give a poop, and you can add Tommy to that list even though he is not Chinese. Do Golden Hurricanes Create Golden Showers?-45, Why The Name Bowling Green?-38.
Butch: With all those potential points, this is a great game during which to sleep off any prolonged hangovers from 2007. Butch takes Tulsa to win and cover.
BCS Taliban Championship Bowl
Ohio State v. LSU (-4.5)
Tommy: Tommy will be rooting for the stadium to explode so that many in-breds and loud Midwesterners will be out of Tommy's lives. Harsh? I guess you've never been to Louisiana or Ohio. By the way, the Bucks pull the upset. See You In LA Next Year, Tommy-18, Miles Chokes Again-16.
Butch: Too bad there is not a playoff system, then this would be the quarterfinal or semi-final game it should be. Butch is underwhelmed by a so-called "championship game" featuring teams with three losses and thinks he will do his taxes instead - but does take LSU to win and cover.
Overall [so far]: 10-9
Overall [so far]: 8-11
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